*** I found this tucked away in my "draft" folder from December.
I felt it was time to publish it. ***
I felt it was time to publish it. ***
Before I begin, I want to say 2 things:
1.) Some choose not to share their "valleys" but only their "mountaintops". That is their choice. And I must admit that I don't share every one of my valleys on this blog, however, I am definitely sharing them with my close friends around me. There is something special about our "valley" times. For me, God draws me close there. Control is relinquished. Chains are loosed. Freedom is found. Relationships are reconciled. Marriages are healed. Passions are discovered. Faith is built. Refinement is welcomed, dross is scooped away and character is stretched. My prayer is that in our valleys, our eyes remain fixed on the only One that matters. And that leads me to #2...
2.) I fully recognize that my current path has been walked by a huge percentage of women...more than likely most of you have walked it yourselves or know someone who has. Although the situation may look similar on the outside, I believe we all walk it a little differently. God has specific things to show each one of us. God has purpose in ALL things. It is up to us to dig in deep and find it...and Him.
Two weeks after returning from a life-changing trip to Cambodia, we learned of another adventure coming our way...I was pregnant with Baby #3! We were all excited...and nervous...but mostly excited! :) Even though Shaefer is only 3, she understood that she would become a big sister. Because Trey is 8, he REALLY understood. I had him read the 3rd pregnancy test. He read it and said, "I don't know what pregnant means!" I smiled at him and said, "Remember what you told me you had been praying for?" Instantly a light went off, his eyes got HUGE and said," THERE IS A BABY IN YOUR BELLY! Mom, I am SO excited I might cry!" He cried and giggled. I cried and giggled. We all cried and giggled. With in a day or so, all the family was called, best friends were notified and the news began to creep around our network of friends. Everyone was thrilled!
Alf and I began to feel a freedom that we hadn't felt before. We always thought we were a 2-kid family. That was our plan. That is what we felt comfortable with. That is what made sense. We began to dream...and giggle some more! What did God have in store? What would this 3rd child be like? Would they be more like Alf? Or me? Or a really good mix? What would they do for the sake of Christ? How would they make His name great?
The Sunday after Thanksgiving I began to spot. Knowing that this can be normal in early pregnancy, I casually asked some friends to pray for me and for the baby. By Monday I had begun to bleed pretty heavily. We still prayed and hoped. By Wednesday we made the call to head to the ER to get me checked out. Within 5 hours it was confirmed that I was miscarrying our 3rd child. Having been down this road in 2005, this valley had been walked before.
If you could see my journal over the past few weeks, it would probably seem pretty bi-polar. I struggled with, and continue to struggle with, the tension of wanting to trust and honor God in ALL things and the desire to hold this child in my arms in July. I believe we all experience this tension. It may not be about children, but we all feel it.
I do not want fear to dictate what my family looks like.
I am sad but not defeated.
