Sad But Not Defeated!

*** I found this tucked away in my "draft" folder from December.
I felt it was time to publish it. ***

Before I begin, I want to say 2 things:

1.) Some choose not to share their "valleys" but only their "mountaintops". That is their choice. And I must admit that I don't share every one of my valleys on this blog, however, I am definitely sharing them with my close friends around me. There is something special about our "valley" times. For me, God draws me close there. Control is relinquished. Chains are loosed. Freedom is found. Relationships are reconciled. Marriages are healed. Passions are discovered. Faith is built. Refinement is welcomed, dross is scooped away and character is stretched. My prayer is that in our valleys, our eyes remain fixed on the only One that matters. And that leads me to #2...

2.) I fully recognize that my current path has been walked by a huge percentage of women...more than likely most of you have walked it yourselves or know someone who has. Although the situation may look similar on the outside, I believe we all walk it a little differently. God has specific things to show each one of us. God has purpose in ALL things. It is up to us to dig in deep and find it...and Him.

Two weeks after returning from a life-changing trip to Cambodia, we learned of another adventure coming our way...I was pregnant with Baby #3! We were all excited...and nervous...but mostly excited! :) Even though Shaefer is only 3, she understood that she would become a big sister. Because Trey is 8, he REALLY understood. I had him read the 3rd pregnancy test. He read it and said, "I don't know what pregnant means!" I smiled at him and said, "Remember what you told me you had been praying for?" Instantly a light went off, his eyes got HUGE and said," THERE IS A BABY IN YOUR BELLY! Mom, I am SO excited I might cry!" He cried and giggled. I cried and giggled. We all cried and giggled. With in a day or so, all the family was called, best friends were notified and the news began to creep around our network of friends. Everyone was thrilled!

Alf and I began to feel a freedom that we hadn't felt before. We always thought we were a 2-kid family. That was our plan. That is what we felt comfortable with. That is what made sense. We began to dream...and giggle some more! What did God have in store? What would this 3rd child be like? Would they be more like Alf? Or me? Or a really good mix? What would they do for the sake of Christ? How would they make His name great?

The Sunday after Thanksgiving I began to spot. Knowing that this can be normal in early pregnancy, I casually asked some friends to pray for me and for the baby. By Monday I had begun to bleed pretty heavily. We still prayed and hoped. By Wednesday we made the call to head to the ER to get me checked out. Within 5 hours it was confirmed that I was miscarrying our 3rd child. Having been down this road in 2005, this valley had been walked before.

If you could see my journal over the past few weeks, it would probably seem pretty bi-polar. I struggled with, and continue to struggle with, the tension of wanting to trust and honor God in ALL things and the desire to hold this child in my arms in July. I believe we all experience this tension. It may not be about children, but we all feel it.

I do not want fear to dictate what my family looks like.

I am sad but not defeated.

Our Thankful Tree

Thankfulness is a big deal to me. I definitely want it to be a big deal to my kids as well. I heard about the "Thankful Tree" several years ago. I finally got my bootie in gear this year and made it happen. I want thankfulness to be a habit around the Evans Home, not just around Thanksgiving. As parents, it is OUR job to teach it, encourage it and model it. It doesn't hurt if there is paint involved too! :)

I know what you're thinking: "WOW! I've never seen purple & blue leaves before!" You guessed it! Shaefer's favorite color is purple so she INSISTED on purple leaves for all of her "thankfuls". And you know Trey, if Shaefer gets purple leaves, then he HAS to have blue ones! I love it!

We had a great time with this craft! I look forward to keeping the leaves each year to see how their "thankfuls" evolve as they grow up.

Most importantly, we are thankful for Jesus! He is our everything!

We are nothing without Him!

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

Thanks Amanda for another AWESOME idea!

Fall is Finally Here!

Okay. I know that it's been Fall for a while now. It just took me longer that usual to "fall" out the house. Every year, like clockwork, my BFF Amanda and I decorate our homes NO LATER than October 1st. She usually beats me to it in September, but I'm NEVER far behind! Fall is one of our favorite holidays! We even have some of the same decorations. I know...it's crazy...but it's a GOOD KIND OF CRAZY! :)

This year threw me for a loop. The loop was good, but a loop nonetheless.

Alf and I returned from Cambodia on October 26th. I don't think I woke up until October 28th. Seriously. Trey's 8th birthday party was scheduled for October 30th. And my house was still NOT decorated for Fall. What the What?!?! That has never happened! My dear friend and soul sista, Brandi, came to my rescue. She showed up on the 29th and helped me clean and decorate my house in a matter of hours. We had a blast!

Here is what we came up with. I definitely went simpler than most years. I also brought in nature items from my front yard. It warmed up the room and...it was FREE!!!

After years of having a cute scarecrow hanging on the front door to greet everyone as they enter our home, I was ready for something new...dare I say more mature looking? :) I found this tutorial and headed to Dollar Tree. I loved the look of the square wreath!

Nice, simple shelves. Love the pine cones and acorns the kids and I collected! I made the hurricanes from vases and candle holders from the Dollar Tree. I LOVE me some thrifty crafts! Here is the tutorial.

Nice, simple sofa table. Oh look! More free pine cones! :)

I fell in love with the wood-grassy-picky things in the corner!

Another Dollar Tree find!

This frame in one of my all time favorites! Amanda has a matching one all the way in Austin! As you can see by how young my kids are in this picture, it's been a LONG time since we've been to the pumpkin patch. :(

More Dollar Tree vases! Grabbed these berry picks at Hobby Lobby this year. Simple & lovely!

And of course...the children!

They are by far my FAVORITE fall decoration!

Cute Gappy Trey

Sunday night ended up being a big night at the Evans House! We were sitting around the overstuffed table with family and friends eating spaghetti & meatballs...and Trey's favorite...garlic bread. The next thing I know I hear Trey say, "MOM!! My tooth is coming out!!" At first he was a little startled by the whole experience. It probably didn't help that he had at least 8 pairs of eyes staring at him, all waiting for the "big event"! Because being the center of attention makes Trey extremely nervous, he and I excused ourselves to the bathroom. By that time he thought all the blood was cool! :) I was getting my "tool" ready (my mom always used a washcloth to pull our teeth), when I heard Trey say, "Look mom!! It's out!!" All he had to do was push a little with his tongue and that cute little baby tooth came right out. I guess it was ready! I know Trey was WAY ready!

He made SURE I took some pictures and immediately asked if I was going to post them on Facebook. He told me, "This is a big deal! Everyone needs to know I lost my 1st tooth!"

HA! Kids these days! :)

Did I mention he was EXCITED and PROUD?!?!

Hope in the Darkness

Of all the things I saw while in Cambodia, the hope in the darkness shone the brightest.

The village of Svay Pak in this video is where we spent the majority of our time. These are the streets we walked. These are the buildings we entered. These are the kids we played with. These are the warriors we walked arm in arm with. Their story became my story. Our lives intertwined and I will never be the same.

Hope In The Darkness-Exclusive Trailer from J.E. Video on Vimeo.

In 2005, Don and Bridgette Brewster sold their house, belongings, and left their kids and grandchildren to aid in the fight against child sex trafficking. They moved to Phnom Penh, Cambodia "a pedophiles paradise", to started a center for girls who have been rescued from the trafficking industry.

The Agape Restoration Center specializes in not just restoring physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, but re-integrating the girls back into the society to make a positive impact on the culture. In the process of re-integration, a small village named Svay Pak (or "K-11") was found to be the epicenter of child sex slavery in Cambodia.

Without a sure hope of re-integration back into Svay Pak, it became clear that girls weren't the only ones who needed rescuing, but communities as well. The only way to make a dent in trafficking in Cambodia is to change communities as well as lives, and the transformation process is identical... from the inside out.

"Hope in the Darkness"

Coming 2011

On His Way...

My best friend, Amanda, is in labor!! In Austin!! It is KILLING me that I can't be there to cheer her on and love on her other 3 fabulous kiddos!! Come on, Baby Jude!! Aunt Kelly Ann can't wait to meet you!!

My Boy is 8!!

I CANNOT believe I am a mom to an 8 year old!! It feels like yesterday I was swaddling him and rocking him to sleep. Sometimes, on a rare day, Trey will curl up in my arms and ask me to tell him all about when he was born and what he was like as a baby. I LOVE those days! I cherish those days! Walk down memory lane with me:

We lived in St. Louis when we got pregnant with Trey. We were youth pastors (on a tight budget :)) so one of our youth girls offered to take some pregnancy pictures for us.

Here I am, 9 months pregnant! Later that afternoon, we met some friends at a local pumpkin patch. I have a picture of Alf pushing me around in a wheelbarrow. My belly fit right in! Trey was born 1 week later!

Alf was feeling left out, so he thought he needed a belly pic too! :)

The boys showed up with gifts!! We had Mountain Dew flowing like a river in our hospital room!! And of course, Trey received his first set of jumper cables from Uncle Matt.

Baby Trey, one day old.

He is being held by an old co-worker, Joni. I had two co-workers claim to be grandmothers so they could get past the nurses. It worked!

I was SO blessed by all the visitors!

Who can resist baby feet?

Our first family portrait!

We have LOTS of sleeping pictures!

Trey - my big 2 year old!

Trey - my big 2nd Grader!

Trey was born on Halloween night, so we always have a great time! Up until a few years ago, he thought all the festivals, costumes and trick-or-treating were all for him! We spent this weekend celebrating with family and close friends. Trey is such a blessing! My life is forever changed for the better. He makes me want to be better.

I Need Words

I love this song by David Crowder! It has been my heart's cry at very specific times in my life.

I remember laying in bed on a spring afternoon in April 2005 with tears streaming down my face crying out to God. Loving Him and hating Him all at the same time. Hearing this song being sung by my husband on his guitar somehow brought some peace to me as it permeated through our walls. A few days earlier we had lost our second child through miscarriage. This second pregnancy was a "surprise" to us, but not to God. Through this pain and loss, Alf and I became closer. Through this anger and confusion, we came into a deepness with God like no other time before.

I find myself in this place again, but in different circumstances. I've been home from Cambodia for 1 week now. My heart is still there. A part of me wants to grab my husband, my kids, pack a few bags and head back to the airport. I don't have any words yet. I need God to give me the words to tell His redemptive story of Cambodia. I am pressing into Him and relying on His unwavering character to carry me through this time.

He is alive! He is active! He is there in the midst of the darkest darkness.

I don't have the words...yet. I know they will come. Until then, you get music that interprets my heart! :)

Cambodia Bound

Our plane heads out at noon today! It is finally here! Below you will find the church blog address where we as a team will be posted updates and specific prayer needs. Talk to you soon!

121 Community Church Mission Blog

Golden Goodness

The Chronicles of Narnia movies are some of our favorites around here. We've seen each one numerous times, sometimes daily! :) The kids enjoy the story, the characters and the animals. Alf and I enjoy those things too, however, we are in love with the story of Jesus Christ (as Aslan the Lion) that is told through each one.

Once we decided to homeschool, I KNEW these books were first on our reading list! We are on book 2 of 6 right now. Trey and I are enjoying reading through these together. He is always quick to point out where the book and the movie don't match up! :) I told him that they can't always do everything the book says or else the movie would be WAY too long. Luckily, that answer was sufficient! The awesome thing about reading these books out loud to each other (besides the obvious reading practice) is that we can talk through it together. Even more importantly I can explain why some passages stick out to me or make me cry when I read them. Because the stories are ultimately pointing to Jesus, I've had more than a few emotional reading sessions. I've included one section below that really struck my heart:

"Both the children were looking up into the Lion's face as he spoke these words. And all at once (they never knew exactly how it happened) the face seemed to be a sea of tossing gold in which they were floating, and such a sweetness and power rolled about them and over them and entered them that they felt they had never really been happy or wise or good, or even alive and awake, before. And the memory of that moment stayed with them always, so that as long as they both lived, if ever they were sad or afraid or angry, the thought of all that golden goodness, and the feeling that it was still there, quite close, just round some corner or just behind some door, would come back and make them sure, deep down inside, that all was well."

The Magician's Nephew (Book 1) by C.S. Lewis

Trey looked concerned as tears rolled down my face as I read this section to him a few weeks ago.

"Are you sad?" Trey asked.

I said, "No sweetie. These words struck me because this is how I feel about Jesus. I am nothing without Him. There is no good in me without Him. From the second I asked Him into my heart many years ago, He has never left me...and He never will."

It was such a sweet time with my son! I love sharing these times with him!

What a Day!!!

Man. Am I glad today's school day is over? YES I AM!! Today was one of those days when I seriously began to doubt our decision to homeschool this year. I knew these days would come. I was warned these days would come. At least I know we are on the right track! :)

Last week, my best friend Amanda and I were discussing our curriculum choices for this year. We were about to begin our 3rd full week and we weren't totally confident in what we had originally chosen for a few of our subjects. Our boys are both in the 2nd grade and similar in a lot of ways. We decided to take that 3rd week to really pray about what was best for our boys, give our current curriculum one more week, then make a decision over the weekend.

The "test" week came and went and we both made our decisions. I decided to stay with what I had chosen for Grammar, while choosing to change our Spelling/Vocabulary. So on Friday I packed up the kids and headed to Mardel to pick up our new curriculum. Trey and I sat in the middle of the aisle looking at all of our options. In the end, we went with a more challenging curriculum but I KNEW he could handle it. I had NO DOUBT! Now I just had to convince Trey that he could do it...

Today was the first day of the new Spelling/Vocabulary curriculum. It did not go well at all! There were tears. Lots of tears. I mean the big, honkin' tears. Tears that stained his paper. And did I mention that he was MAD? Really mad. He told me over and over how mad he was that I chose this HARD stuff for him to do. He threatened to tear up the paper. He threatened to mark all over it so he couldn't finish it. Although this is hard for me to write about, is he really any different from any of us adults? When we encounter HARD stuff, are we any more mature than this? Don't we throw tantrums? Don't we threaten God with all sorts of things? Don't we just want to quit? I know I do!

Another teachable moment laid before us. I got to talk him through his emotions. I got to tell him that it is okay to be angry and mad, however, it is not okay to hurt or destroy things in our anger.

In your anger do not sin.

Ephesians 4:26

I love that verse. I love it because it tells me that it's okay to have emotions. Another version says, "WHEN angry, do not sin." The anger/emotion isn't the issue, it's what I do IN the emotion that I have to be careful of.

While Trey was struggling through his lesson, I walked over and put my arm around him. I gave him a big hug and kiss and reassured him that he could do what we had chosen. I reassured him that I wasn't being hard on him to be mean. I reassured him that I loved him and that I was very proud of him for pushing through. He looked up at me with huge tears in his eyes again and said, "I know you love me mom. I just don't like hard things. I just don't like it when people push me." Again, my heart was plucked. Again, I was reassured that he really is my son! :) He is me in a little boy body!

Personally, I am in the midst of some hard things right now. In less than 3 weeks I will be around the world in Cambodia playing a small role in God's plan of justice against child sex trafficking and bonded slavery. Can I just let you in on a little secret? I am scared. I am nervous. I am totally out of my comfort zone. And I just said those exact same words to God last night that my sweet boy expressed to me today.

"God, I know you love me. You have me going to a hard place. You have me doing some hard things. I don't like it when you push me."

And do you know what He did this morning in my time with Him?

While I was struggling, He leaned down through His Word and put His arm around me. He gave me a big hug and kiss and reassured me that WE could do what He had chosen for me...together. He reassured me that He wasn't being hard on me to be mean...but for preparation. He reassured me that He loves me and that He is very proud of me for pushing through.

Man. What a day.

A Musical Pick-Me-Up

I heard this song by Stellar Kart earlier this week. Usually I'm a talk radio kind of gal, but the other day I really needed to hear some music. This was the perfect song for me at the perfect time!

Life Lessons from Frog & Toad

Trey and I went to the library a few weeks ago to choose some good books to read. At that time we were still waiting for our curriculum to arrive in the mail, so we read, read, read and then read some more. We walked the aisles of the readers, pondering all of the many options. My eyes instantly fixed on the green binding of this book:

The Frog and Toad books were some of my absolute favorites as a child! So I did what any good mother would do...I got them ALL! :) Trey wasn't too thrilled at my choice initially. The first thing he said was, "Mom, those pictures are not colorful at all!" I asked him to trust me. He said he would and we were on our way. But not before he picked out this one:

At first I protested. Riddled with first time homeschooling doubt I thought, "He can't read THAT! THAT isn't good enough for our reading time! He needs to be reading better things!" I felt a quiet nudge in my heart to ease up and find some freedom in our new adventure. Let me just assure you that he's had his nose in that book READING for about 4 weeks straight now!

I apologize for the rabbit trail...let's get back to Frog and Toad. :)

The very first story in the book is called "Tomorrow." The crux of the story is that Toad wakes up one morning and instantly begins to make a mental list of all the things he need to accomplish that day. He decides he would rather wait until tomorrow to tackle his chores. As he lays in bed, he instantly begins to feel overwhelmed.

"Blah," said Toad. "I feel down in the dumps."

"Why?" asked Frog.

"I am thinking about tomorrow," said Toad. "I am thinking about all the many things that I will have to do."

I can't tell you how many times I have felt this exact same way...completely overwhelmed with tasks, worry and anxiety! As Trey and I read this story together, we had a great teachable moment. Not only did I get to share my own struggles with him, but I also got a chance to share TRUTH with him.

So do not worry about tomorrow;

for tomorrow will care for itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

As we school at home this year, we not only working on academics. We are working on character. We are working on making wise choices. We are working on pushing through the hard stuff. And most importantly, we are seeing that God is everywhere and totally applicable in ALL areas of our life.

I get to watch the light bulbs switch on!

The 40 Day Challenge

Exactly 4o days ago my husband challenged me, really us, to drink water as our only beverage for 40 days. This may not be a big deal to you, but to me it meant no more daily (sometimes hourly) doses of this...my FAVORITE DRINK:

or this

That's right friends! ONLY THIS:

In the days leading up to our conversation, I had begun to notice that I was depending more and more on the caffeine to get me through the day. I had also begun to notice that my memory was slowly getting a bit fuzzy. After some research, I found studies that link Diet Coke's key ingredient, Aspartame, to memory loss. So needless to say, by the time Alf threw down the gauntlet, I was totally up to the challenge!

Let me be completely honest and confess that those first few days were BAD! REALLY BAD! I was SO CRANKY! So much so that Alf gave me an instant out if I wanted it! HA! Nope! I knew it would pass in a few days...and it did.

There were definitely days when it would have been easier to grab that "quick fix". However, I was determined to actually finish something. No matter how insignificant only drinking water is in the grand scheme of things, this goal was a big deal to me. I don't think I've ever done anything outside of my roles of wife and mother for 40 days straight. It was time to push myself. I felt and feel great! We spent less money the few times we went out to eat. This may just be something that I continue with or without another challenge.

So today marks day 41. The challenge is over.

We sat down to eat lunch after church and my mouth began to "water" for that cold Dr. Pepper that I knew was in the "man fridge" outside. My family watched intently as I gingerly poured the sweet nectar into my glass. I took that initial sip and fully expected angels to sing! You know what...it didn't taste good! Not one bit! I was SO disappointed yet excited in a way. My body doesn't need it anymore. My body doesn't like it anymore. So as I sit here typing, with a HUGE HEADACHE, I think I may just go back to this:

No more of this:

or this

I need a nap. And an Alieve!!

Dance & Gymnastics

The kids began their "fall sports" last week at the local rec center. Trey told me he wasn't all that into sports, that he prefers to play with Legos, but he would give gymnastics a try again. He is a funny kid and turns out that he's pretty darn good at gymnastics to boot! Shaefer, on the other hand, has been talking about taking a dance class for AT LEAST 6 months. She is taking ballet and tap and is BEYOND excited to wear her "tappy-tap" shoes!

Trey just got these sunglasses and flip-flops from one of our friends and was determined to wear them to his first class. For some reason he feels the need to flash the peace sign in all of his pictures! :)

I'm pretty sure there is nothing cuter than a 3 year old in her first leotard & dance tights!

Shaefer gave me very specific instructions: "Mommy, take my picture! I'm a dancing princess!"

I'm not sure why I torture myself with attempting to get a decent picture of them together! I think it's every mom's dream! HA!

Even though they were being crazy, this is one of my FAVS of them! That is a sister that LOVES her bubba! I can still hear that laugh...

On the balance beam...

Dismount!

This kid has SO MUCH energy! Love him!

I know you are wondering where the pictures are from Shaefer's class. I was shocked (and sad!) to find out that her class is closed to the parents. We peeked in the little window at her...she was doing GREAT! You better believe I will be snapping pictures like crazy come recital time!

Food for My Heart

I have not always had a consistent time with the Lord. To be quite honest, this is one of the areas that I lack the most discipline in. However, a few months ago, I was determined to change that. I asked God to give me a hunger for Him and His Word. You know what? He answered! Each and every time I open my Bible, I learn something new and fresh. It doesn't matter how many times I've read a particular passage, something new jumps off the page. He is not changing. His Word is not changing. He is changing ME...from the inside out. His Word brings life to my bones. His Word is refreshing to me. It's like that first drink of water you take right after a hard workout. Or that initial sip of your favorite flavored coffee in the morning as you try to wake up. You feel satisfied. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Alive.

Here are a few verses I studied this morning. I pray they bring life to you as well!

"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted,

he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Hebrews 2:18

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses,

but we have one who has been tempted in every way,

just as we are - yet was without sin."

Hebrews 4:14-15

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.

But when you are tempted,

he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

1 Corinthians 10:13

I love these because they let me know that I'm not alone in my struggles.

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,

but the Lord tests the heart."

Proverbs 17:3

When tough times come (and they will!), God wants to use them to refine my faith and purify my heart.

"He who covers over an offence promotes love,

but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."

Proverbs 17:9

Forgiveness is pivotal in ANY relationship. I don't need to bring stuff back up if it has already been confessed and forgiven.

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

Proverbs 17:17

I want to love well...in all circumstances.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Proverbs 17:22

I desire His joy...in all circumstances.

"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,

and a man of understanding is even-tempered."

Proverbs 17:27

I want God to show me when to speak and when to shut my hole!

First Day of 2nd Grade

I wanted to share our first day of homeschool with you! We made it! There is a summer-long story behind our decision, but that is for another day!

Today we celebrate with pictures!

Here is our big 2nd grader!

Of course Shaefer Kay had to join in on his big day!

Trey got to choose breakfast... glazed donuts!

Shaefer thoroughly enjoyed her donut holes!

We couldn't get started until they had their morning wrestle!

Here is our school table!

This is the most familiar spot for both of us, so we will start here. I don't expect to spend too many days here as we get more comfortable.

I love the freedom to learn where ever we want to!

Getting ready to begin!

Shaefer LOVED her special spot with her special things!

Gettin' his school on!

We were able to celebrate Trey's big day at his favorite dinner spot: CHILI'S!! It was a great ending to a great day!! Don't get me wrong...it was FAR from perfect. We had 2 tearful breakdowns within the first hour. Overcoming "summer brain" coupled with the adjustment to having mommy as the teacher would probably bring any one of us to tears. The great thing was that I got to be the one to walk him through his frustration. I got to hold him as he cried. We were able to talk it out right then. We were able to move on together. I am excited to see what this year holds for us!

Until next time...

PEACE OUT!!! :)